Ebusitanus
07-16-2004, 02:13 PM
WASHINGTON, DC—In a grand opening Monday, Washington became home to the first Homeless Depot, one link in a nationwide chain of warehouse-style stores that will supply the nation's estimated 350,000 homeless people with all of their street-lifestyle essentials.
http://www.theonion.com/images/391/article2858.jpg
Above: Early-bird shoppers visit the new Homeless Depot.
"There are 14,000 homeless people in D.C. alone, but there's never been a retail business that catered to their unique needs," store manager Geoff Alberts said. "Homeless Depot is a one-stop spot for cardboard building supplies, used carpet scraps, filthy woolen blankets, and flattened garbage-can lids. We also sell coffee cups, cigarette butts, soiled clothing, expired coupons, June 2001 People magazines, and half-empty containers of Dippity-Do hairstyling gel. Best of all, we have really nice, big, sturdy shopping carts."
"Wide selection and low cost are the benefits of a store this size," he added, as he led reporters through the 90,000-square-foot Homeless Depot's neatly organized rows of inventory.
"The liquor department features more than 40 types of fortified wine, 30 different malt beverages, and a full selection of budget-priced liquors, including Old Thompson Whiskey and McCormick Vodka," Alberts said, gesturing to racks stretching up to the store's two-story ceiling. "We're able to offer alcoholics their favorite brands at prices up to 15 percent lower than those at convenience stores."
"Volume buying allows for low prices on the essentials," he continued. "Whereas the corner bodega charges $2 for a butane cigarette lighter, we can offer them for half that, and our clerks provide service without a sneer."
Alberts led the group past a Homeless Depot employee conducting an in-store "Know How" customer clinic titled "Installing A Temporary Garden Bed." As several dozen onlookers watched the employee fasten a length of plastic sheeting to an artificial bush, Alberts explained that, in addition to selling materials for building and decorating temporary homes, the store will also feature weekly entrepreneurial how-to demonstrations.
"This week, we've got UB40 cassette tapes, still in their original packaging," Alberts said. "Come on in, and we'll show you how any ambitious do-it-yourselfer with a dirty blanket can turn cassette tapes into big cash."
http://www.theonion.com/images/391/article2858.jpg
Above: Early-bird shoppers visit the new Homeless Depot.
"There are 14,000 homeless people in D.C. alone, but there's never been a retail business that catered to their unique needs," store manager Geoff Alberts said. "Homeless Depot is a one-stop spot for cardboard building supplies, used carpet scraps, filthy woolen blankets, and flattened garbage-can lids. We also sell coffee cups, cigarette butts, soiled clothing, expired coupons, June 2001 People magazines, and half-empty containers of Dippity-Do hairstyling gel. Best of all, we have really nice, big, sturdy shopping carts."
"Wide selection and low cost are the benefits of a store this size," he added, as he led reporters through the 90,000-square-foot Homeless Depot's neatly organized rows of inventory.
"The liquor department features more than 40 types of fortified wine, 30 different malt beverages, and a full selection of budget-priced liquors, including Old Thompson Whiskey and McCormick Vodka," Alberts said, gesturing to racks stretching up to the store's two-story ceiling. "We're able to offer alcoholics their favorite brands at prices up to 15 percent lower than those at convenience stores."
"Volume buying allows for low prices on the essentials," he continued. "Whereas the corner bodega charges $2 for a butane cigarette lighter, we can offer them for half that, and our clerks provide service without a sneer."
Alberts led the group past a Homeless Depot employee conducting an in-store "Know How" customer clinic titled "Installing A Temporary Garden Bed." As several dozen onlookers watched the employee fasten a length of plastic sheeting to an artificial bush, Alberts explained that, in addition to selling materials for building and decorating temporary homes, the store will also feature weekly entrepreneurial how-to demonstrations.
"This week, we've got UB40 cassette tapes, still in their original packaging," Alberts said. "Come on in, and we'll show you how any ambitious do-it-yourselfer with a dirty blanket can turn cassette tapes into big cash."